I have been living by myself for the past few months. It has been the first time in my life that I haven’t lived with any family or roommates, but now I’m about to move into a house with a couple friends and I’m a little worried. See, when you live by yourself you get a lot of alone time, time to develop certain habits. There are more innocuous habits like laying on the couch in your underwear. Then there are more unaccommodating habits like masturbating on the couch. You mean to tell me that I can’t shit with the door open anymore? They say it only takes six weeks to develop a habit and three weeks to break a habit. Not only do I lack the self-discipline, but I also don’t have three weeks, folks.

Another thing I’ve been doing a lot while living by myself is eating a truly inappropriate amount of take out. If you watch any 90’s sitcom they make it seem so normal and cutesy to eat like shit all the time. You are in the big city after all, live it up. The thing is though just about everything isn’t as “bad” when you do it one, in moderation, and two, with a group of people. For example, day drinking at the park on a Saturday with friends? That’s a cool move. Day drinking at that same park on a Wednesday by yourself? Not as cool. Let me be the first to tell you that eating out by yourself is NOT a traditionally cool guy move. Again, in 90’s sitcoms, they make it seem so fun to be a regular at a restaurant. But it’s all fun and games until you start to memorize the shift schedules at your favorite spot so that the employees don’t start to worry about you.

Again, everything in moderation right? And that’s one of the biggest problems I have. I have an addictive personality and that’s not exactly the best trait to have when you live alone because there’s nobody around to stop you from indulging yourself. All. The. Time.

I will say that I don’t like the stigma that exists around doing things alone, in public. We all do weird shit when we’re alone, but sometimes we just don’t have somebody to do things with. For a long time I worried about doing things by myself because I was afraid that people would judge me. Historically I’ve been a pretty self-conscious person, bordering on neurotic, but now I’m really starting to embrace doing things alone.

It really is true what they say, confidence is key. Do you know how powerful you feel once you stop caring what people think of you? Now I don’t just get take out, I go to full on sit-down restaurants by myself. The waiter comes by and asks you if you’re waiting for anyone else. You wave for him to come closer then you grab him by his little skinny tie, pull him in, and say, “Just me, bitch. Now go tell the chef that there aren’t enough bread sticks in the world to save him.” Then as you let him go and he starts to scurry off you give him a little slap on the ass to show him that you’re really not fucking around tonight.

My favorite activity to do by myself now is going to the movies thanks in large part to MoviePass. A lot of companies these days do this weird thing where they try to make money, but not my boys at MoviePass. For just $10 a month they will buy you up to one movie ticket per day. I don’t know if y’all have noticed, but one movie ticket is more than $10. That’s one of the most overlooked, worst parts of growing up; suddenly having to pay full price for movie tickets. One day you’re paying like $6 for a movie ticket and then overnight the cashier says, “That’ll be $100, please. Welcome to the real world, stupid. Oh, you want to see Jurassic World? FUCK you.” Then they try to spit in your face and just hit that glass partition. Anyways, basically the entire business model for MoviePass is hoping and praying that you don’t actually use the service, because the second you do they are losing money.

Imagine pitching that business idea on Shark Tank. You walk up with your bitch ass note cards, hands trembling, and ask what the worst part of seeing a movie in theaters is – which is the “Webster’s Dictionary defines…” of sales pitches. The sharks take turns guessing:

“People using their cell phones.”


“The probability of getting shot.”

And then, being the business tycoon that you are, you say that the worst part of seeing a movie in theaters is the cost of the movie tickets, completely ignoring the fact that Mark Cuban is worth four billion dollars. At last, you ramp up to the big finale where you tell them that your big idea is to pay people to see movies. Then the sharks laugh you out of the room, give you a little slap on the ass, and cut to commercial so they can do rich people things like cocaine and not seeing movies alone.



Good morning to the graduating Class of 2018. I am honored to be speaking here before you on this day of such fleeting significance. I look out and see so many bright and shining faces full of the potential that you think you have, but will never actualize.

Cherish your time here and the memories that you have made. In twenty years when you are broke and alone, shuffling through a meaningless existence, reminiscing on these times will be the only thing keeping you from killing yourselves. And if you have not enjoyed your time here at least you have received the gift of a permanent crippling debt or debilitating narcotics addiction.

Enjoy the journey, do not spend your life wishing the time away because each moment is as unimportant as the next. Take your base level knowledge of economics and Caribbean history and become the 2nd best salesperson at a regional used car dealership.

I am not going to stand up here and tell you to take risks because the only people qualified to give that advice are the people who took a risk and succeeded. There is a reason why Denzel Washington tells you to work hard and to follow your dreams while the homeless guy outside Burger King tells you that he will suck you off for ten dollars.

As you leave here you will soon realize that you are not as smart as you think you are and that you will not be able to accomplish most, if any, of your childhood dreams. However, I will say that you are all young and that is something that even this jaded, sarcastic speech cannot take away from you. That said, historic levels of diagnosed depression and increased rates of suicide in your demographic absolutely will.

Now I leave you with something Dr. Seuss said and I look forward to all of you slaving away to fund my social security. Thank you and congratulations to the Class of 2018!