Beans, beans the magical fruit.

The more you eat, the more you toot.

The more you toot, the better you feel.

But not really because you are only meeting a base physiological need and this could never fill the deep, existential dread buried deep within you.

Legumes may be near the top of the food pyramid, but they are at the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Even still, the fleeting comfort of a full belly is enough to distract from the resounding emptiness of every other facet of life.

So let’s have beans for every meal!



As all zero of you have probably noticed I have not posted anything in several weeks. Everyone’s famous teenage delinquent, Ferris Bueller, once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Not really relevant to this situation because time passing presumes something is happening and I cannot be bothered to look around as that would require me to do anything at all. Meaningless movie quotes and vague excuses aside, starting next week we will return to our regularly scheduled programming (whatever the fuck that means).

Cordially yours,
No Onions, Please.



[To be read as a slam poem in the style of Eminem’s final rap battle from 8 Mile]

Everybody in the dating scene,
Pull your mother fucking phones out and follow me.
Everybody in the dating scene,
Pull your mother fucking phones out. Look, look.

Now before you swipe right,
This profile might give you a real fright.
The Tinder app has you aiming low,
Now who’s afraid of dying alone?
One, two, three, and to the four.
One match, two match, three match, four.
Four match, three match, two match, one.
My match, your match, no match, none.

I’m not your motherfucking soulmate,
I’ll save you from one more terrible date.
I am white, I am fucking dumb.
I don’t do anything interesting for fun.
Every six months I go for a run,
The status of my state college degree is done.
By the way, did I mention I’m 6’ 1”?
And yes, I am twenty-five,
I am still barely able to keep myself alive.
Don’t ever ask me what I do,
I don’t even know what I do…

I’m just another desperate fool.
But look at that, you’re on Tinder too!
What’s that, you’ve got wanderlust?
You think that fluency in sarcasm is a must?
Your hiking boots are in the closet gathering dust,
And we all know your money comes from a trust.
She doesn’t want to get coffee, she’s shook,
‘Cause this ain’t like those romance books.
He’s scared to death, she’s scared to look,
At that weird dick pic that he just took!

Fuck a date, I’ll go jerk off in bed,
Fuck Drake, fuck Machu Pichu, fuck emojis,
Fuck pizza! Fuck this unoriginality!
I’m an undateable idiot, I say it proudly,
And fuck this app, I’ll die alone, I’m outtie,
But here’s my cell phone number, text me if you’re free.