Good morning to the graduating Class of 2018. I am honored to be speaking here before you on this day of such fleeting significance. I look out and see so many bright and shining faces full of the potential that you think you have, but will never actualize.

Cherish your time here and the memories that you have made. In twenty years when you are broke and alone, shuffling through a meaningless existence, reminiscing on these times will be the only thing keeping you from killing yourselves. And if you have not enjoyed your time here at least you have received the gift of a permanent crippling debt or debilitating narcotics addiction.

Enjoy the journey, do not spend your life wishing the time away because each moment is as unimportant as the next. Take your base level knowledge of economics and Caribbean history and become the 2nd best salesperson at a regional used car dealership.

I am not going to stand up here and tell you to take risks because the only people qualified to give that advice are the people who took a risk and succeeded. There is a reason why Denzel Washington tells you to work hard and to follow your dreams while the homeless guy outside Burger King tells you that he will suck you off for ten dollars.

As you leave here you will soon realize that you are not as smart as you think you are and that you will not be able to accomplish most, if any, of your childhood dreams. However, I will say that you are all young and that is something that even this jaded, sarcastic speech cannot take away from you. That said, historic levels of diagnosed depression and increased rates of suicide in your demographic absolutely will.

Now I leave you with something Dr. Seuss said and I look forward to all of you slaving away to fund my social security. Thank you and congratulations to the Class of 2018!


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