REVISIONIST HISTORY

It is a warm summer’s day in colonial America when the founding fathers decide that the ratio of taxation to representation is way off. So, like an angst-filled teenager, the founding fathers write the most famous running away letter of all time. Meanwhile, across the pond King George catches wind of this and cannot believe what a bunch of prima donna amateurs he has to deal with. Who do these so-called “founding fathers” think they are? A bunch of day-dreaming desk jockeys finally getting the stones to quit their jobs and sail to the soon-to-be-colonized Galapagos Islands? One can only imagine how cathartic it must have been to draft a break-up letter to England, but those boys clearly missed the part of that old saying where you write the angry letter, but do not send it.

Let us pretend that Thomas Jefferson and co. weren’t a bunch of whiny nerds. Just think about how much innocent tea could have been saved. A little self-control can go a long way, fellas. Colonial America is the kid in the grocery store screaming because they didn’t the Snickers bar they wanted. England is the parent who wants to run errands just one time without their spoiled, shitty kid making a scene. On the drive home England can only think about how they never even really wanted kids, but just kind of had kids anyway because all their friends were having kids. Hey England, if the Dutch, Spanish, French, and Portuguese told you to colonize off of a cliff would you do it? In the wise, immortal words of Kanye West, “Eighteen years, eighteen years, the Queen’s got your colonies, got you for eighteen years.”

Just think of how much greater life would be if America had not moved out of their parents’ house (often referred to by historians as “The Revolutionary War”). We would have used the Euro for a spell which is stronger than the U.S. dollar. That would admittedly be short-lived in the grand scheme of human history since England will eventually do that whole Brexit thing and effectively “America” themselves. Everyone knows that the most important step to becoming a successful actor is to be able to speak with a British accent. Congratulations colonial America! Y’all better get yourselves down to Ye Old Home Depot so you can build a trophy case to hold all the Oscars. Opposite of congratulations to Eddie Redmayne, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Rupert Grint, the “Big 3” of British actors.

REVISIONIST HISTORY

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